Deep Rest

(and yes, I totally swiped that title from both the sermon and the article from which it drew)

from here

Today at the Arlington Street Church, Rev. Kim K. Crawford Harvie opened her sermon with reading Dane Thomas'  "From Depressed to Deep Rest". Given that I had already teared up during joys and sorrows, clearly my emotions were front and center and this felt profound. He speaks to "this despondent sense of over-it-ness that I sometimes get" and the subsequent need to be "rested in oneself". He states "FEELING IS ACCESSING POWER" and that "everything I've ever tried to run from was because I didn't want to feel a feeling".

Rev. Kim then reminded us of three important questions when we are feeling this "over-it-ness": what do I love? What am I good at? What does the world need from me?

Obviously this appealed to my social worker self, but what about my real, whole, true self? Good lord did it ever. Between working too many hours overall (1 full time job + 1 part time job + getting new brakes for my car = as many hours as possible), some major stresses (both good and bad) at my main job, trying to maintain my social life and-gasp!-even start dating again, and the general insanity of the world in which we are currently living, I am wiped out. Thomas' description of "over-it-ness" couldn't be more accurate. I have been avoiding feeling because so much of it won't be good. I am afraid to be overwhelmed with anxiety, stress, and sadness for individuals and our country and our world.

But that doesn't work. We have to feel all our feelings, myself included. I need to practice what I preach. And while I'm at it, thinking of those questions. I can easily answer what I love. It's not too hard for me to see what the world needs from me, but I'll be darned if those critical/imposter syndrome thoughts don't show up when I start thinking "what am I good at?" This is not a hint for compliments, or asking you to build me up-I need to be able to do that myself. I know there are things I am good at, but then think "oh, I'm not good enough at them yet to say so". If one of my friends did this, I'd tell her she is crazy for letting that stop her.

I just got real here, so sorry-wait, no. Nobody is obligated to respond to, or even read this, so if you chose to, that's on you :) I hesitated to publish this after writing it, since it is one of the most vulnerable and personal things you will likely ever hear from me. I struggle to say these things out loud (I'm supposed to be confident and successful!) but I, and so many other amazing people, feel them on a regular basis.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of avoiding feeling. I'm tired of the "over-it-ness". Let's feel and act and love and make a damn change in this world, one person at a time.

xoxoxo
Emma

P.S. I hadn't been to church in forever and clearly desperately needed it! I am beyond grateful to Rev. Kim for saying exactly what I needed to hear this morning-isn't it amazing when that happens??

Entertainment Weekly 1.20.18

I was really sad not to be at a Women's March today-it was such a powerful experience last year, and desperately needed after the political and my personal upheaval at the time. Alas, I had to work-and I haven't been feeling very well the last couple of days, so it may have been for the best that I didn't push myself any more than I had to.

last year's march on the common

This week, I've been

Reading: Everything We Ever Wanted by Sara Shepard. It's a heart-wrenching family story and at the same time super readable.

Listening: the (original cast recording of the) soundtrack to Les Misérables, of course! I'm super pumped that my choir is singing a medley of songs from it-it will be so hard not to sing as dramatically as possible!

Watching: I love that Black-ish now has the spinoff for the oldest daughter, Zoe, called Grown-ish. You all know my love for the prior, so it comes as no surprise I'm into the latter as well!

xoxoxo
Emma

Eat Local: Rooftop at the Providence G

It's been a while since one of these posts! I had to get this one up pretty promptly, though, so y'all can take advantage of the excellent deal and deliciousness of Providence Restaurant Week. There's a number of participating restaurants doing 3-course $16.95 for lunch or $29.95/$34.95 for dinner-some of them even two-for-one deals!

I went down to Providence for the day on Monday with the express goals of doing almost nothing and eating delicious food-mission accomplished, ha! Rici, Dad, and I decided to try out a new place for dinner, Rooftop at the Providence G. None of us had eaten there before, but the menu looked great and we could make a reservation online (a not infrequent deciding factor for me).

We all opted for cocktails-the Fig Fusion, St. Goose, and East Ghost RI, then made our selections from the Restaurant Week menu. They also had their full menu available.

Dad and I both started with the black truffle cauliflower soup, while Rici ordered the fried artichokes. The soup was probably my favorite thing all night-but was super rich. The artichokes were a pretty sizable serving, so we all tried-and enjoyed-them and Rici still had some to take home with her, ha.

We got three different main dishes. Naturally I got the vegetarian one, beet root gnocchi, while Rici got a wood oven roasted chicken and Dad went for the grilled rare tuna. They were all beautifully presented and delicious!

We finished with dessert-something I rarely order out, so it is a special treat during restaurant week. Again, we all made different selections and got to taste each others-I had the lavender creme brûlée, Rici had the flourless chocolate cake, and Dad enjoyed the berry mousse. While they were all tasty, we agreed that the chocolate cake could have been improved by heating it before serving and the creme brûlée was a little too sweet for my taste, though the flavors were great.

The space is quite lovely, though a little chilly-as it literally is a rooftop with a glass roof over it for the winter! They have some cafe tables, a bar, and lounge seating. There was also live music, which we definitely enjoyed! It seems this is a regular thing there, so it would also be a great location just for drinks.

I would highly recommend checking the Rooftop-and I know I can't wait to go back in the summer when you truly are outside!

xoxoxo
Emma

Entertainment Weekly 1.13.18

vegan pad thai, based on recipes from Thug Kitchen and the Lunch Room

Oh boy am I looking forward to having an actual day off on Monday! I really enjoy both of my jobs, but I'm definitely missing having actual weekends...

Reading: Enchantress of Numbers by Jennifer Chiaverini. It's a story of Ada Lovelace, an amazing mathematician and the daughter of Lord Byron-and totally inspiring me to seek out an actual biography of her!

Listening: I haven't made it through the whole podcast yet, but I have a feeling I will be subscribing-Summer Innanen has an interview with Caroline Dooner, the creator of the The Fuck It Diet, on her podcast Fearless Rebelle Radio.

Watching: I would highly recommend Phantom Thread...I saw it last night and it was fantastic. While 9:30pm really was too late for me to start a movie (ha!), it was definitely worth it.

xoxoxo
Emma

A celebration of life

I've been really struggling with this post, but feel that I need to write it.

My friend Daniel Polovich passed away on November 15, 2017 after battling cancer for almost 2 years.

I knew Danny for almost my entire life. We became friends in kindergarten (and quickly escalated that into our kindergarten marriage), and while we didn't always stay close when I moved after that year, we quickly remedied that in our high school German classes. In between all the goofing off, we still managed to actually learn some of the language. I also remember many walks through the University of Michigan Diag, trying to figure out our lives.

We went to very different colleges pretty darn far apart, but still caught up at holidays. Yes, lots of parties at our friend Brian's fraternity house, but also more walks on the Diag, visits at the camp where I worked, and always yummy food.

Danny was diagnosed before I moved out to the East Coast (and we were finally living close together again) so our time together changed a bit. We spent a lot of time just chilling in various locations, coloring, watching Netflix, talking, etc. Of course we still made time for ice cream though! We also did Relay for Life the summer of 2016 and it was very powerful experience. I've been doing it for a long time and was so glad it meant so much to Danny.

After I moved, of course I didn't get to see him as often. And I am notoriously bad at keeping in touch with people until I'm planning a visit. We talked sporadically and I did get to see him one more time in August.

I am so grateful for all who supported him and those who cared for him throughout this time. As his sister said, these last two years are not all he was. He lived for 28 years and had so much more to him than this diagnosis. He loved his people, was passionate about his work and hobbies, and was (rightly) so proud to get a patent this fall.

This weekend I returned to Michigan for his celebration of life, organized by some of his closest friends-who were essentially family. While it was challenging at times, I am so glad I was able to be there.

Sadly, Danny is not the first loved one I have lost to cancer, and I'm sure he won't be the last. I began doing Relay for Life when my friend Meagan was diagnosed when we were just young teens and have done it nearly every year since, often adding another person to the list for whom I am doing it in their honor or memory. I have donated to the American Cancer Society in Danny's name-they are an amazing organization, helping to fund research, supporting those with cancer and their loved ones, and raising awareness of what individuals can do to make a difference in their own and others' lives. Will you join me?

xoxoxo
Emma