Deep Rest

(and yes, I totally swiped that title from both the sermon and the article from which it drew)

from here

Today at the Arlington Street Church, Rev. Kim K. Crawford Harvie opened her sermon with reading Dane Thomas'  "From Depressed to Deep Rest". Given that I had already teared up during joys and sorrows, clearly my emotions were front and center and this felt profound. He speaks to "this despondent sense of over-it-ness that I sometimes get" and the subsequent need to be "rested in oneself". He states "FEELING IS ACCESSING POWER" and that "everything I've ever tried to run from was because I didn't want to feel a feeling".

Rev. Kim then reminded us of three important questions when we are feeling this "over-it-ness": what do I love? What am I good at? What does the world need from me?

Obviously this appealed to my social worker self, but what about my real, whole, true self? Good lord did it ever. Between working too many hours overall (1 full time job + 1 part time job + getting new brakes for my car = as many hours as possible), some major stresses (both good and bad) at my main job, trying to maintain my social life and-gasp!-even start dating again, and the general insanity of the world in which we are currently living, I am wiped out. Thomas' description of "over-it-ness" couldn't be more accurate. I have been avoiding feeling because so much of it won't be good. I am afraid to be overwhelmed with anxiety, stress, and sadness for individuals and our country and our world.

But that doesn't work. We have to feel all our feelings, myself included. I need to practice what I preach. And while I'm at it, thinking of those questions. I can easily answer what I love. It's not too hard for me to see what the world needs from me, but I'll be darned if those critical/imposter syndrome thoughts don't show up when I start thinking "what am I good at?" This is not a hint for compliments, or asking you to build me up-I need to be able to do that myself. I know there are things I am good at, but then think "oh, I'm not good enough at them yet to say so". If one of my friends did this, I'd tell her she is crazy for letting that stop her.

I just got real here, so sorry-wait, no. Nobody is obligated to respond to, or even read this, so if you chose to, that's on you :) I hesitated to publish this after writing it, since it is one of the most vulnerable and personal things you will likely ever hear from me. I struggle to say these things out loud (I'm supposed to be confident and successful!) but I, and so many other amazing people, feel them on a regular basis.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of avoiding feeling. I'm tired of the "over-it-ness". Let's feel and act and love and make a damn change in this world, one person at a time.

xoxoxo
Emma

P.S. I hadn't been to church in forever and clearly desperately needed it! I am beyond grateful to Rev. Kim for saying exactly what I needed to hear this morning-isn't it amazing when that happens??

No more commuter rail!

I live in Boston now! I moved about a week and a half ago, with the help of my dad and friends Michelle and Elly. Dad drove the U-Haul up from Providence while I drove my car, and the ladies met us at my new apartment in Somerville to help with the unloading and carrying of alllll my stuff.

Treats for the movers from Providence Bagel!

I now have a roommate (found on Craigslist, but seems super normal!) in a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment. I feel so very lucky to have this setup-the toilet paper wars I have heard tell of sound just terrible, ha. I still have a little at my dad's, but am mostly moved in and unpacked. I've hit the wall, though-I did major unpacking Easter weekend, but now can't bring myself to figure out what to do with the rest of my things. Uuuuggghhh. Downsize? Probably, but I am really bad at that. I'll have to find a way soon-I don't want to force my roommate to live with a mess, no matter how small!

The view from my balcony

So far, so good on the location front. I like Somerville a lot and had originally wanted to live in this area anyway, so I felt very lucky when I found this place. It's got a lot of good food, though I've been trying to stick to my good meal planning, and an excellent brewery just down the street! Watch out, Winter Hill Brewing-I might be moving in! ;)

Naturally Michelle and I needed a (delicious) beer after moving

I am just so happy to have cut my commute essentially in half, and to be able to really build a full life here in Boston-and just in time for summer! Send any and all recommendations my way, please!

xoxoxo
Emma

How do you love yourself?

This question has been at the forefront for me since Friday. Between the inauguration and all that has followed-daily horrifying executive orders, continued reports of emotional and physical violence by those validated by our leadership's dangerous example, the individual tragedies of friends, and my own personal sadness, frustration, and exhaustion, I have to ask myself and others: how do you love yourself? When individuals and society tell you that you are not worthwhile, that you are not valued, and that they do not care-how do you convince yourself they are wrong?

I read. Anything that will help me escape from the current reality, even if it seems a little too relevant (I'm looking at you, 1984, Animal Farm, The Handmaid's Tale...). I'm lucky enough to have access to the digital library Overdrive through my library card, so I never run out of books to read-even if I don't think they are they highest quality literature. I'm also blessed in my friends-of-friends. I was at a gathering Sunday night and talking to a friend when the lovely hostess came up to me with two books. She said, "I don't know exactly what's going on, but I think you need these." They are two completely different books, but she was right. The (much) lighter read is Shit Rough Drafts by Paul Laudiero. You can read his blog here, but I recommend going ahead and ordering the book from Amazon-or even better, your local independent bookstore! 

The other is a book of poetry and prose, milk and honey by Rupi Kaur. Warning: do not read this on the commuter rail or coffee shop. You will cry in public and you will get weird looks. It is writing to savor, to read as you are swaddled in blankets drinking your favorite tea (or wine, no judgment here). Again, do yourself a favor and just purchase it here or go back to your equivalent of Literati Bookstore, one of my favorite places in Ann Arbor, MI. 

I listen to music. Whether I want to wallow, rage, or pull myself up, music can do it. This post will never end if I write about all the music I've been listening to, so I'll just name one-ok two-for each need. 

Embracing the sadness: Joshua Radin. Anyone who knows me can't be surprised by this-I've loved his music since high school and while I will always enjoy and appreciate it, his ability to speak to pain is amazing. Tristan Prettyman. Her album Cedar + Gold just has too much to relate to right now-even if the details are different, the emotions are the same. 

Fighting back: the soundtracks from Hamilton and Wicked. These may be cliche at this point, but oh well! Singing along to "Defying Gravity" and "My Shot" energize me on a personal and political level to keep going. We will win.

Simple cheer: this is when I get nostalgic. 90's pop, the a cappella music I listened to in high school, classic Disney...pure fun, and of course songs to which I can sing along.

Oh, and "No Man's Woman"...combines nostalgia (thanks mom!) and ass-kicking. :) 

The power held and imparted by art is truly amazing. There are other forms of self-care I engage in which I will come back to another time...but I never tire of finding more.
This is not a rhetorical question: how do you love yourself? Even if you don't want to share, take some time to think about it. And do it. 

You are worthy. You are loved.

xoxoxo

Emma

P.S. Don't forget to continue taking action: Rolling Stone has some ideas. 

Oh hello there!

Hello friends (and friends-to-be)!

It's been a long time since I channeled any creativity into writing. I was actively involved in music (my beautiful a cappella group For Good Measure) and theatre (Ann Arbor Civic, Rosedale Community Players, Birmingham Village Players, the Brass Tacks Ensemble...) in the Ann Arbor and Metro Detroit area while I lived there. For the last few years, the most creative I've gotten in my writing has been coming up with different ways to articulate goals and describe building rapport with clients while working as a therapist.

However, since I moved to New England in August, my hours at work have shifted and my commute has increased such that any performance-related activity is currently impossible, so I'm giving this another shot. Now, for the classic introductory post...

I'm a 27-year-old lady who recently moved from my hometown of Ann Arbor, MI to my dad's home in Providence, RI. I commute on a daily basis to South Boston where I serve children and families as a social worker-and love it. I used to be a therapist (and definitely miss it) but am really enjoying getting to build more expansive relationships with the youth I serve in my new role.

I love living with my dad-we haven't been even in the same state since I was in high school-but I've finally started searching for housing in Boston. In the mean time, I will continue to enjoy getting to see my dad nearly every day-and having a dog again! I don't think my cat loves it quite as much...but she does appreciate having another person to take care of her when I have to work late or actually have some social time after work!

We love to take Binker to the beach! 

Triss is more into snuggles...

As I work toward finding my written voice again, I'll be exploring a number of my interests and passions, including vegetarian cooking, baking, (lots of) eating, binge-watching Netflix, social justice, books, shopping, travel, music, and exploring my new home with friends and family. So please forgive some jumping around as I find my niche...hopefully it will come quickly!

xoxoxo
Emma

P.S. The title of my blog is borrowed from the lyrics of one of my recent favorite bands, Us the Duo. I can't wait to see them perform in February! I chose it for how important I think the concept is for me personally as well as for the world...more to come on both, I'm sure.