Deep Rest

(and yes, I totally swiped that title from both the sermon and the article from which it drew)

from here

Today at the Arlington Street Church, Rev. Kim K. Crawford Harvie opened her sermon with reading Dane Thomas'  "From Depressed to Deep Rest". Given that I had already teared up during joys and sorrows, clearly my emotions were front and center and this felt profound. He speaks to "this despondent sense of over-it-ness that I sometimes get" and the subsequent need to be "rested in oneself". He states "FEELING IS ACCESSING POWER" and that "everything I've ever tried to run from was because I didn't want to feel a feeling".

Rev. Kim then reminded us of three important questions when we are feeling this "over-it-ness": what do I love? What am I good at? What does the world need from me?

Obviously this appealed to my social worker self, but what about my real, whole, true self? Good lord did it ever. Between working too many hours overall (1 full time job + 1 part time job + getting new brakes for my car = as many hours as possible), some major stresses (both good and bad) at my main job, trying to maintain my social life and-gasp!-even start dating again, and the general insanity of the world in which we are currently living, I am wiped out. Thomas' description of "over-it-ness" couldn't be more accurate. I have been avoiding feeling because so much of it won't be good. I am afraid to be overwhelmed with anxiety, stress, and sadness for individuals and our country and our world.

But that doesn't work. We have to feel all our feelings, myself included. I need to practice what I preach. And while I'm at it, thinking of those questions. I can easily answer what I love. It's not too hard for me to see what the world needs from me, but I'll be darned if those critical/imposter syndrome thoughts don't show up when I start thinking "what am I good at?" This is not a hint for compliments, or asking you to build me up-I need to be able to do that myself. I know there are things I am good at, but then think "oh, I'm not good enough at them yet to say so". If one of my friends did this, I'd tell her she is crazy for letting that stop her.

I just got real here, so sorry-wait, no. Nobody is obligated to respond to, or even read this, so if you chose to, that's on you :) I hesitated to publish this after writing it, since it is one of the most vulnerable and personal things you will likely ever hear from me. I struggle to say these things out loud (I'm supposed to be confident and successful!) but I, and so many other amazing people, feel them on a regular basis.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of avoiding feeling. I'm tired of the "over-it-ness". Let's feel and act and love and make a damn change in this world, one person at a time.

xoxoxo
Emma

P.S. I hadn't been to church in forever and clearly desperately needed it! I am beyond grateful to Rev. Kim for saying exactly what I needed to hear this morning-isn't it amazing when that happens??

A not-so-brief interruption (rant)

We interrupt our regularly scheduled posts about food and travel and fun to have a little rant about this so-called "snowflake generation".

While watching Morning Joe with my dad (a rarity-I almost never watch the news, preferring to read it from a variety of sources), they started to go off on "coddled" and "fragile" liberals, using the violence that broke out at the Berkeley protest as a starting point. There were several points at which I simply couldn't be quiet so figured I would write it out.

They started with discussing the violence at the Berkeley protest-which of course I condemn. Chasing after people to hurt them is unacceptable on all counts and here simply serves as ammunition for the right. However, this quickly devolved into claims that young liberal people think of themselves as "special snowflakes" and don't think they should have to suffer consequences for their actions. The hosts made it a point to repeatedly say that "you hit someone in the head, you go to jail"-completely ignoring their own earlier report that there were 14 arrests. So yes, you hit someone in the head and you go to jail-this time. This seemed to simply be a case of the hosts trying to find another way to talk down to millennials.

Unfortunately they did not end here, but continued to rant and rave about the "snowflakes on the left". I don't know if it's what they intended, but it certainly seems as if Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborough hate an entire generation. I cannot say how much this infuriates me for a variety of reasons...unfortunately this is a constant problem and today's statements were simply representative of so many things I have heard and seen.

1. The tone of voice used was extremely patronizing. Saying things like "everybody who disagrees with you is wrong...", "everybody looooves you...", etc. in possibly the most sarcastic tone I have ever heard was simply so disrespectful. Yes, people who seem to actually believe those things are infuriating-however, I have not seen this to be a millennial issue, but an asshole issue.

2. My generation does often have higher expectations for feedback on the work that we do, recognition, etc. My question to those who are upset about this is: where do you think this came from? We didn't raise ourselves-for the most part. Participation trophies weren't our idea. And before you think I'm criticizing my parents' generation: where do you think this came from? They were (and are) simply doing their best to provide not only physical but emotional care for their children. They came of age in a generation where the importance of emotional support was not yet explicitly recognized and wanted to ensure their children did not feel the same way they did. (I read a piece on this online at some point and would love to link to it, but can't remember where I found it-if anyone knows, please tell me and I will add it!) Also-what's so wrong with wanting recognition for good work?

3. There's been a lot of discourse around "safe spaces" and the idea that young people (particularly college students) want to avoid any uncomfortable conversation. Joe in particular claimed that young people only see things that confirm their viewpoints, while he read things that he disagreed with because he already knew what his people were saying. (I wanted to ask him if he'd like a gold star for that.) Again, yes this can be a problem, but it is not a generational one but a close-minded one. I was recently at a training where we discussed the difference between safe and brave spaces-and I am 100% on board with shifting the language and concepts. In brave spaces you are challenged and supported in equal measure-and the frequently used terms of "agree to disagree" and "assume good intentions" are not accepted without analysis. I'll touch on trigger warnings here too-they are not intended to tell people not to listen, read, etc. a piece, but to give them a heads up that it contains content that could be (ugh) triggering. To give them the chance to mentally prepare themselves, to know that they may end up upset. And yes, I know "in the real world" there are no trigger warnings, but guess what happens when people have a chance to address them in healthier ways? They can then encounter these situations in the real world and react in safer ways! It helps them to develop tools and strategies to manage them at all times.

4. What is the problem with demanding accountability? People of all generations say they want more of it, that the problem with politics, etc. is that those in power can get away with so much, but when millennials (and others) push back on sexist policies, homophobic bosses, the insane disparity between the increase in college tuition vs. minimum wage, etc. they say that we are whining. Yes, we push back. Yes, we expect to not be miserable in our work. Yes, we demand to be treated as equals in humanity.

I may end up adding to this as I think more about it-I clearly have a lot of feelings. As I thought about why Mika and Joe seem to hold so much hatred for millennials I wondered, "is it because we don't watch their show? We demand more of people? We refuse to suffer unnecessarily?" and came to the conclusion that in their quest to be the voice of the center they needed a common enemy. This generation makes a perfect one-elders all across the political spectrum love to criticize everything millennials do (or don't do, like eat at crappy restaurants like Applebee's). What better way to get buy-in from the people already watching your show (helloooo, bubble?) than to mock a generation that doesn't watch it and therefore won't even know we have to defend ourselves?

Reminders

Let me offer some advice to everyone single AF who has recently moved: don't start dating someone almost right away. It can be wonderful and romantic and exciting to be discovering a new city with this person, forming all of these memories with him. And if it works out, that's perfect. You'll always associate places and first experiences with them. So if it doesn't-it will be so very painful. You don't have other memories to revert to when you don't want to think about your first coffee date.

As someone who has always made it a point to not allow her romantic life to take precedent over family or friends, the loneliness is also something new. In past relationships, while I spent a lot of time with my partner, I always made sure to spend just as much with my friends. However, I found I put significantly less effort into making new friends outside of work here because I could rely on the couple I already had, my dad, and the new boyfriend. These friends have been wonderful since it ended, but it's definitely not the same as having multiple groups so I always had someone to go to brunch, ice skating, the movies, or just hang out with at home. And my dad is doing his best, but the poor man hasn't had to deal with my dating life since high school. Oh, how things have changed...ha.

There are days when everything reminds me of him. The other day I was flipping through channels and stopped on a chick flick (figuring I've gotten to the point where romance doesn't immediately make me sad/angry, ha!). However, it turns out the romantic leads in the movie shared our names. Are you kidding?! A couple hours later I was listening to a podcast and one of the guests on it spoke at length about his all-time favorite movie-which I had never seen until we watched it recently. With the music, I know I'm bringing it on myself by continuing to listen to that which was meaningful to us. In the past I've stopped listening to certain artists or albums but I'm really trying not to this time. With my first boyfriend, it was Coldplay...later on the Lumineers. You can 100% figure out the timing of my relationships as they relate to what music was popular!

Because we spent so much time together, shared so many interests, and talked all. the. time. there are nearly constant reminders. I try to just frame it as immersion therapy (social worker alert!) and know that it will become less painful over time. I just can't wait for that day to come.

Any tips in the meantime? I'm all ears!

xoxoxo
Emma

Snow Daze

These snow days-resulting in a 4 day weekend-couldn't have come at a better time. I've noticed myself feeling more tired and frustrated (it's concentrated at work, but spilling over everywhere honestly), so was just saying on Tuesday that I really needed to take a day off. I'm not 100% sure of what is causing this, though I've got some ideas of contributing factors. I can't change all of them-I have to keep reminding myself that I can't make people see things my way, and sometimes trying to will just make things worse-but there are some that I'm working on.

The commute is taking its toll, so I'm apartment hunting. I've been missing my friends-it's hard to make new ones when you work till 8pm and commute almost 2 hours each way-so I'm trying to book a trip each month to visit them in their various cities, and encouraging them to come out this way as well. I'm definitely holding stress in my body, so I'm sticking to my Bar Method routine as much as possible and adding in yoga and running where I can. I'm celebrating as many things as I possibly can. I find solace and relief in cooking and baking, so I'm trying out new recipes on myself, my dad, and my coworkers. I might also be doing a little too much shopping...but if that's my worst vice right now I'm not going to beat myself up over it. At least I'm definitely getting some good deals!

when even your sticky socks are trying to pep you up...not pictured: the pom-poms on the back!

Wow, that got more serious than I'd been intending. But you know what? I'm going to leave it. I personally love to read blogs that are real, and not just all sweetness and light...though I think it's time for some of that!

The first snow day I did not leave the house other than to walk Binker-she was loving the snow! I had stocked up on Girl Scout cookies on the way home from work Wednesday in preparation, and may have opened up both boxes...and only changed from pajamas to other pajamas. I got a lot of little tasks done, but definitely still count it as a perfect lazy day.

The second snow day resulted in a trip to PVDonuts...despite our kind neighbor snow-blowing the sidewalk and much of the drive, doing the rest + walking Binker in the snow = feeling like I earned it! This was the first time I was able to walk right in and was able to order after waiting for just one person-though since I'm only one person and these are best when they're fresh, I only got two flavors: churro Nutella and Providence cream (their take on the Boston cream, made with coffee milk cream filling). Holy moly are they delicious. Every month I think I have a new favorite!

Triss and Binker are also pretty happy about our long ladies' weekend...lots of snuggles and play time!

Hope everyone has had a relaxing and rejuvenating weekend!

xoxoxo
Emma