Sunday, January 21, 2018

Deep Rest

(and yes, I totally swiped that title from both the sermon and the article from which it drew)
from here
Today at the Arlington Street Church, Rev. Kim K. Crawford Harvie opened her sermon with reading Dane Thomas'  "From Depressed to Deep Rest". Given that I had already teared up during joys and sorrows, clearly my emotions were front and center and this felt profound. He speaks to "this despondent sense of over-it-ness that I sometimes get" and the subsequent need to be "rested in oneself". He states "FEELING IS ACCESSING POWER" and that "everything I've ever tried to run from was because I didn't want to feel a feeling".

Rev. Kim then reminded us of three important questions when we are feeling this "over-it-ness": what do I love? What am I good at? What does the world need from me?

Obviously this appealed to my social worker self, but what about my real, whole, true self? Good lord did it ever. Between working too many hours overall (1 full time job + 1 part time job + getting new brakes for my car = as many hours as possible), some major stresses (both good and bad) at my main job, trying to maintain my social life and-gasp!-even start dating again, and the general insanity of the world in which we are currently living, I am wiped out. Thomas' description of "over-it-ness" couldn't be more accurate. I have been avoiding feeling because so much of it won't be good. I am afraid to be overwhelmed with anxiety, stress, and sadness for individuals and our country and our world.

But that doesn't work. We have to feel all our feelings, myself included. I need to practice what I preach. And while I'm at it, thinking of those questions. I can easily answer what I love. It's not too hard for me to see what the world needs from me, but I'll be darned if those critical/imposter syndrome thoughts don't show up when I start thinking "what am I good at?" This is not a hint for compliments, or asking you to build me up-I need to be able to do that myself. I know there are things I am good at, but then think "oh, I'm not good enough at them yet to say so". If one of my friends did this, I'd tell her she is crazy for letting that stop her.

I just got real here, so sorry-wait, no. Nobody is obligated to respond to, or even read this, so if you chose to, that's on you :) I hesitated to publish this after writing it, since it is one of the most vulnerable and personal things you will likely ever hear from me. I struggle to say these things out loud (I'm supposed to be confident and successful!) but I, and so many other amazing people, feel them on a regular basis.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of avoiding feeling. I'm tired of the "over-it-ness". Let's feel and act and love and make a damn change in this world, one person at a time.

xoxoxo
Emma

P.S. I hadn't been to church in forever and clearly desperately needed it! I am beyond grateful to Rev. Kim for saying exactly what I needed to hear this morning-isn't it amazing when that happens??

1 comment:

  1. This is so insightful and inspiring. Now, I have a dare for you: please list 3 things you are good at. Be brave and put it out there! I’m sure the rest of us could easily provide a long list of your strengths/skills/abilities, but I’m daring you to be bold enough to claim them yourself.
    I love you! Xoxoxo, Mom

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